Christmas, Special

I wrote this over the course of two hours in a Vancouver Mall, sitting, waiting for the train, a conversation resonating. Exercise Salt-shakers.

--Ian

CHRISTMAS, SPECIAL
by Ian Goodwin

EDDIE – Neurotic. Casually dressed in a hooded sweatshirt and wearing a latex Halloween mask.
MOTHER/ VIRGIN MARY – Serpentine, Frail. Wearing her Sunday best and gold jewelry. Virgin Mary costume where applicable.
TICKET ATTENDANT/ANGEL – Uniform. Angel costume where applicable.
UGLY THEATRE GOER/JOSEPH – Middle-aged, lonesome, glasses. Shepherd costume where applicable.
THEATRE MALE – Stereotype.
THEATRE FEMALE – Stereotype.
PURGATORY – Archaic. Fire-colored leotard/dance costume.
BABY JESUS – Doll prop substitutes for lack of real child.
TWO FIERY HANDS – Painted fire color.

SCENE I

A movie theatre. Eight chairs are set in two rows upon the stage. The fourth chair in the back row is occupied by UGLY-THEATRE-GOER, all others vacant. TICKET ATTENDANT smiles and waits at stage left door. Enter EDDIE, MOTHER.

EDDIE: A Christmas movie. … it’s January.

MOTHER: (Hiss) I don’t ask anything of you, Eddie. You do nothing. Nothing. Why can’t we do anything as a family. You don’t pay the bills, you don’t have a job, and you eat my food.

EDDIE: It’s Friday. And Mom. Mom.

MOTHER: (Hiss) Don’t come to me for parking money next time. And your haircut. … I paid for that haircut.

EDDIE: Mom!

MOTHER: You won’t even take the garbage out when I ask you. Lazy, free-loading—

(In unison)

MOTHER: Spawn of your father!

EDDIE: Mom-he-needs-our-tickets!

EDDIE: God.

(MOTHER notices TICKET ATTENDANT for the first time, hands him/her tickets.)

MOTHER: Don’t say that.

EDDIE: (turning to TICKET ATTENDANT) Thanks, sorry. (pause) –What did I say wrong?

MOTHER: The lord’s name. You don’t say it unless you’re praying for something.

EDDIE: …whatever. Just, —oh-my-God-I-know-those-people. (EDDIE pulls hood of his hooded sweat-shirt over his head and latex mask)

MOTHER: (Snappy) DON’T SAY THAT!

(They sit. MOTHER sits fuming in her theatre chair while EDDIE sinks very low into his seat. COUPLE, MALE, and COUPLE, FEMALE enter stage left and take the two seats behind MOTHER. COUPLE, FEMALE giggles while COUPLE, MALE, obviously not there to watch the movie, tickles her.)

MOTHER: (Painful Sigh)

EDDIE: (Painful Sigh)

(After a long silence, they begin speaking again.)

MOTHER: What about Jessy?

EDDIE: What about Jessy? Jessy’s a baby. What’s there to know?

MOTHER: Oh, come on, Eddie. I don’t talk to your sister anymore. I want to know how my grandchild’s doing. Does he have hair? What color? Does he talk?

EDDIE: He … he says “Dadda”. And “cheese”.

MOTHER: (Excited) Is he cute?

EDDIE: Mom. Jessy is a baby. I don’t get it. I refuse to say that babies are cuter than normal people. They’re like puppies. They just grow up and get discarded. (Louder) Are you ‘cute’? Is that guy cute?!

(EDDIE pauses to gesture toward UGLY THEATRE-GOER who is sitting behind his chair and to stage right. MOTHER looks over her seat.)

EDDIE: ‘Hate babies.

(Pause. Mother is livid.)

MOTHER: Babies require attention, Eddie. Babies are angels. From God. I didn’t raise you this way—I feel sorry for your wife someday.

(Pause)

MOTHER: Now I want you to watch this. Carefully.

EDDIE: The Manger Story?

MOTHER: It’s sacred. Just do something for me for once.

EDDIE: “Kate and Leopold” was for you. “The Holiday”. “You’ve Got Mail”. For goodness sakes mom, ABBA was for you.

MOTHER: ABBA?

EDDIE: Nevermind it. I’m glad you managed to forget. I’m still in the process of trying.

(Lights dim to black. Chairs and unspecified actors are removed from stage. When lights rise, EDDIE, still wearing mask, is dressed as a Shepherd, asleep in his theatre chair. MOTHER is now VIRGIN MARY, riding across the stage on a cumbersome donkey. UGLY-THEATRE-GOER is JOSEPH. Enter PURGATORY, stage left. PURGATORY uses a fiery limb to cover the nose and mouth holes of EDDIE’s mask. EDDIE awakens.)

EDDIE: (coughing) What! What? (cough) What’s happening! Ugh!

PURGATORY: Thou art burning, Eddie, in thine fires of temporal punishment! Hast thee audacity in countenance, child of god, to challenge thine right of judgment divine!

EDDIE: … ABBA?

PURGATORY: Pur-ga-tory! Home of what woeful waning spirits hast becometh in death without his lord almighty!

EDDIE: …and so I’m dead. Somehow.

PURGATORY: Nay, Eddie, worse! Thou shalt burn for each venial sin upon thee, condemned unto perfect purification!

(PURGATORY dances about in flaming costume, striking EDDIE and emulating fire.)

EDDIE: Worse!? (Pause) Okay, Eddie, think. You’re in a theatre with your mom on a Friday night. Nothing can be worse than this! The-falcon-cannot-hear-the-falconer. The-falcon-cannot-hear-the-falconer. The-falcon-cannot-hear-the—Will you stop that?—Jesus!

PURGATORY: Jesus, yes! Behold, ‘tis the birthing of the Christ Child!

(Enter TICKET ATTENDANT stage right, dressed as ANGEL. VIRGIN MARY and JOSEPH crowd around bed of hay. When ANGEL arrives, both look jovial. Sound effects indicate baby being born. BABY JESUS arrives on bed of hay. TWO FIERY HANDS reach up from behind EDDIE’s theatre chair and cover the mouth of the mask. EDDIE struggles.)

EDDIE: Wow— … I never—I never knew Jesus was born in a farm shed. Or that Mary had to ride a donkey to Bethlehem. And that baby Jesus, he’s kind of cute. They should really have more informative theatrical productions of this nature! (TWO FIERY HANDS cover his mouth again, EDDIE makes muffled sounds)

PURGATORY: Repent? Ah, but for sins thou art too late!

(Fire crackles. Lights dim. EDDIE makes muffled noises of struggle.)

(Lights up, the Movie Theatre is assembled again. MOTHER sits in same place as before. EDDIE is now a mask-wearing skeleton. COUPLE, MALE, and COUPLE, FEMALE have been replaced by embracing skeletons. MOTHER addresses audience.)

MOTHER: Well, seems that Final Purification didn’t work too well for Eddie. (Pause, Mother smiles, shrugging)

MOTHER: That’s because when someone dies without inviting God into their heart, their spirit goes to Hell.

(Enter UGLY-THEATRE-GOER, stage left, carrying popcorn. UGLY-THEATRE-GOER sits down in vacant chair, stage left of MOTHER.)

UGLY-THEATRE-GOER: Looks like we both decided to embrace Jesus. (He puts his arm around her, staring up at the ‘big screen’)